


Five Stages

by Mega_Erofan



Category: Shin Sangokumusou | Dynasty Warriors
Genre: Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I cried while writing this, I'm being honest, Multi, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Qi is having a rough time, Romance, Tragedy, triggers for depression, warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 08:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4600329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mega_Erofan/pseuds/Mega_Erofan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a gruesome battle against Wei, the remains of the (for once) victorious Shu troops return home but one of the Generals is not the same as when she left. She is in mourning for reasons the others can only guess at or assume and now her friends and her own beloved must watch as Cao Qi struggles through her grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Stages

**Author's Note:**

> For those who read Honor and Cherish and Not My Enemy. Prepare to have your feels torn apart!
> 
> 9/24/16: Edited with re-write of certain lines of dialogue and grammatical revamps in certain parts. I confess that re-reading this after over a year still causes me to cry. ;w;

**-DENIAL-**

The first few days after returning home were the roughest on Cao Qi as everyone around her talked of praise for the battle their troops were victorious in, the first after so many losses at the hands of Wei. They had lost a General or two in the process but they dealt such a blow to the opposing kingdom that they might think twice before attacking again. However, while everyone celebrated and reveled, Qi retreated into herself, something she has never done before. The others did not worry about it too much at first as they assumed Qi was tired from the battle and they knew she did not like the idea of fighting what was once her friends and family. After two weeks of this, even the other Generals understood that something was very wrong with what was once the heartiest and most valiant General in Shu. Something had happened and it obviously affected Qi deeply but no one had any idea of what it was nor could anyone figure it out.

Several close friends of the General tried to talk to her, attempting to learn what had happened to cause her to draw into herself like this but she refused to speak about it. Whenever the castle they had fought for was brought up, she would act like she had no idea what the place was as though she was never there to begin with. If anyone asked about the scar she received from the battle, an arrow wound in her shoulder, she would tell some story not related to the battle and the story changed each time someone asked. Asking directly about the battle brought no better results, she would ignore the question completely and would talk about something else. This worried everyone because, while Qi was not one to brag about her victories in battle, it was never like her to completely avoid talking of important battles and this one was a milestone to them.

It was like the battle never happened in her mind.

A month after the battle, Bao Sanniang returns to the castle gardens from Qi’s room, having failed once again to gather any information pertaining to the battle on the Cao General’s behalf. Her expression alone gives news that she learned no more than anyone else who encountered her about the battle had. She walks up to the small group of Generals gathered under the large peach tree then plops onto the ground in frustration next to Guan Suo and nuzzles against him.

“Still nothing?” One of the youngest, Xiahou Ni, asks. She was the youngest of Cao Qi’s cousins from the Xiahou bloodline and had been a Lieutenant in Shu for a few months when the battle had occurred. She left Wei shortly after her father passed away and wanted to live up to the promise of her father for the Xiahous to continue protecting the Cao bloodline. With Ba refusing to leave home and go to Shu, that left Ni as the only one to go to Shu to protect Qi and she has no regrets about it thus far.

“Nope, she completely talked around it again.” Sanniang huffs in irritation. “She’s really starting to worry me with all of this. Something about that battle has disturbed her but avoiding it isn’t helping anyone. We’re all stressing out about her and she isn’t any closer to recovering from whatever happened.”

“Maybe she just needs some space.” Xing Cai suggests. “After all, this is one of the first battles where she has led such a large force into combat. All of us react to that sort of thing in different ways, so this might be how she has reacted.”

“No way, this is not how my Qi would act under such circumstances.” Ma Chao states as he crosses his arms. “I know she would never withdraw into herself like this unless something serious has happened. She only ever did this once when she received news of her mother’s and uncles’ passing came to us. She wouldn’t talk to anyone during that time and she refused to eat, train, or even leave our room. This is too similar to that for it to be anything less serious.”

“You think she’s mourning then?” Jiang Wei inquires.

“I’m not sure. She could simply be reacting to something she saw on the battlefield, something horrid enough to disturb her into silence and denial.” Chao sighs. “Our direct and passive questioning isn’t getting us any closer to learning what happened and I don’t want to pressure her to the point of breaking her mind.” The blonde glances away sadly. “I already went through that with her mother’s death and I know she still hasn’t fully recovered from that.”

“Then what do we do?” Guan Suo asks. “She’s like family to us now and we’re all worried about her. What can we do to help her without harming her in the process?”

“We must be there for her when she needs us.” Liu Shan finally speaks up, catching the attention of the other Generals. “Yes, everyone reacts to certain trauma in different ways but they always need support at one point when the emotions become too much to bear alone. It is best to leave her be for now but not to wander too far from her. She will open up when she feels ready to tell someone she trusts. It may take some time but it will be better if she does so at her own pace than for us to force her to speak when she is not ready to confront this trauma.” He looks up from the ground and opens his eyes, looking around at his Generals. “Is that understood?”

“Yes, Lord Liu Shan.”

Liu Shan nods and climbs to his feet, Xing Cai readily joining him. The two walk away from the group and everyone turns their attention to Ma Chao. Despite being of Cao Cao’s bloodline, the Ma child always cared deeply for the eldest daughter of such a merciless lord. They understand that the two have been through a lot in their relationship including the earlier mentioned deaths of her mother and uncles after she left home. While the mourning of her uncles lasted but a few months, it took Qi an entire year to convey her feelings for her mother to her husband and, as he said, she has still not fully recovered from it. While they all hate the thought of simply standing by and doing nothing to help, Ma Chao especially, they cannot go against the better judgment of their lord. They will need to wait until Qi is ready to talk.

**-ANGER-**

It wasn’t unlike Qi to show her temper once in a while. She wasn’t one to hide her emotions but she never showed genuine anger except for a rare handful of times when she had her tantrums. Those times were accompanied by broken spears and long hours spent with Ma Chao in their room but she would be calm as ever the following evening. All the Generals of Shu hadn’t seen such intense anger in Qi until she seemed to suddenly have a shift in her reclusive attitude. Before she would avoid talking about the battle but now, five weeks after the battle, she became agitated at the mere murmur of the battle. If it was mentioned in the public, you would be fortunate to receive a sharp glare from the girl that burned with the heat from the flames of hell. If it was in private, however, you would not be as lucky as she would lash out verbally or even physically at the one who even murmured a question about the battle. She hadn’t killed anyone because of this but after she nearly decapitated one of the higher-ranked soldiers with Xing Cai’s sword, the other Generals knew this would be a problem if someone didn’t step in.

As such, someone had to volunteer to approach Qi in order to confront her about her sudden temperament as no one wanted to be a fool and willing approach a rabid tiger. Ultimately, Xiahou Ni decided to step up to her cousin’s chopping block. She knew the fact she was family would not fully protect her from the other’s wrath but an answer needed to be given in one way or another. They all felt that her traumatic experience in the battle was involved, so perhaps her change in attitude would make her more willing to divulge some information about it at the price of a few injuries.

Ni carefully approaches Qi’s room, wary that the silence from inside the room is but the calm before the storm. She wishes now more than anything to have her uncle Yuan by her side to help. He always seemed to know how to calm the other down when she had tantrums as a child but she was on her own for this. She hesitantly knocks on the door and flinches from the gritty response coming from within the room.

“Who is it now?!”

“It’s Cousin Ni,” Ni stutters “we need to talk.”

“About?”

“Your recent bursts of anger and your violent attacks against some of the soldiers.” Ni sighs. “Please, Qi, I just don’t want you to get in anymore trouble. Just let us speak for a moment.”

Qi falls silent for a moment before huffing irately: “Fine…come in.”

Ni carefully opens the door and steps inside, finding the place a mess: scrolls scattered across the floor and different furnishings lying on the ground or completely flipped over. All are clear signs of Qi having vented her frustration on something other than people but it obviously was not enough. The young night-haired girl notices her older cousin lying on the bed, the sheet messy underneath her as she stares blankly at the ceiling. She quietly shuts the door behind her but remains beside the door.

“So Liu Shan isn’t too pleased about my behavior?” Qi asks, sounding tired but still clearly agitated.

“Y-yes…” Ni murmurs “but he’s also worried like the rest of us are. This type of sudden change in you isn’t normal, Qi, and you know it.”

“Maybe I’m just finally sick and tired of all the fighting.” Qi grumbles, not even giving the other a glance as she speaks. “Does that not make sense, cousin?”

“Qi, I know for a fact that you don’t act out in violence or malice at the mention of war.” Ni argues. “Yes, it sometimes makes you sick to your stomach but you never respond to words of violence with acts of the same variety. The only other time I’ve seen you so furious is when you talked about your father but even that was nothing compared to how you’re acting now.”

“You’re simply too young to understand.” Qi mutters.

“You mean I’m too young to deduce that your behavior is because of what happened at Xincheng.” Ni quickly found herself thrown against the door violently, having not seen Qi jump from the bed and charge at her. Now pinned by her throat, she can only look at her cousin dark amber eyes stare arrows through her.

“I thought you all would get the hint to _never_ mention that damn castle around me again!” Qi growls, her grip tightening on the youth’s neck. “I would be perfectly fine if everyone would just forget about that place or at least not mention it around me! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”

“Qi…stop…” Ni chokes out as she weakly hits the stronger girl’s arm. “I can’t…breathe…”

Qi’s grip does not falter and instead she throws the girl to the side, causing her to fall on top of a fallen weapon rack that is thankfully empty of any spears. Qi tries to stand but feels pain radiate all over her body from the impact with the metal and wood structure. She looks over her shoulder to find the cold stare of the other General focused on her. She locks up in fear, hoping to not cause the other to feel further wrath by moving. This wasn’t like Qi in the slightest.

“Qi…please, stop this.” The Xiahou girl murmurs. “What would your beloved think of you acting like such a beast?”

The hazel eyes suddenly turn soft for a second before Qi turns away. She is silent for a few tense moments before she speaks. “Leave me be, Ni.” Her voice is quiet, a strange contrast to the absolute ferocity she spoke with moments ago.

Ni doesn’t hesitate and clumsily climbs to her feet then scampers out the door and into the hall, the door shutting behind her. Once she is far enough away from Qi’s room, she reaches for her side and discovers a small pain that is caused by the soft touch. “Definitely a bruise there and there’s probably a few on my neck as well.” Ni murmurs then sighs quietly. “At least she’s settled down, for now. I’m not sure how long this’ll last but it’s better than before at least.” She shuffles down the corridor as she tenderly rubs her neck. “I best have one of the healers take a look at these. I don’t need the little strategist freaking out about these now.”

 

**-BARGAINING-**

Cao Qi was never one to suffer from insomnia unless she was incredibly stressed or fearful about something. Ma Chao had quite a bit of experience with this the nights before the battle at Xincheng and the nights after she joined Shu. Both times were very stressful on her and he helped her get through both times rather well but since her confrontation with Ni, she hasn’t been able to sleep well and would wander about. At first, he thought she simply felt sorry for hurting her young cousin the way she did but after a week, Chao decided to follow her on her nightly journey to figure out what was truly going through his wife’s mind.

After being woken by a shifting in their shared bed, the true sign that Qi is restless and wandering, Chao waits until he hears the door to their room shut before hopping out and quickly pursuing her. Lagging behind by a few feet and remaining in the shadows mostly, he is mostly undetected by his wife until she exits the castle into the garden. She walks to the peach tree in the center and sits beneath it, remaining silent for a few moments as Ma Chao quietly positions himself behind the tree. She pulls out a small silver necklace hidden under her robes, gently caressing it in her hands.

“Why now of all times do I think of the ways I could have saved you?” Qi murmurs. “They have been surging through my mind day and night, taunting me for not being able to think when it was needed most and never allowing me to rest day or night.” She stares up into the sky. “I wish I could do anything to have the chance to save you or even switch places with you but I know you would be as sorrowful as I if I had fallen in battle. You were able to protect me from everything in my earliest years as a warrior but I couldn’t repay you for that even when you were the one who needed protection.” She punches the ground beside her, hissing in pain then glancing to her side. She had managed to hit one of the stones sitting at the base of the tree and her knuckles pulse painfully as she flexes the fingers of her hurt hand. She notices a cut on one of her fingers and lets her gaze fall away.

“No amount of pain to my physical being could match the pain of the wound in my heart for being so useless in such a dire moment.” Her hand falls and she rests her head on her knees, pulling her legs closer to her as she quietly sobs. “I would give anything to go back and have another chance to protect you. You risked so much in order to keep me safe from harm even more when we became much more than comrades. You let me go when I no longer had a place beside you in arms despite your fear of losing me before we could reunite. You risked your rank by informing me of news my father tried to hide from me. You nearly gave your own life to protect me in fierce battle. I always wanted to repay you for all that you went through for my sake but I let the opportunity slip away and now you’re gone because of it. And I’m sorry.”

She murmurs the last two words under her breath, repeating them until a hand on her shoulder causes her to pause and look up, finding Ma Chao beside her. He sits beside her without a word and pulls the other into his lap, cradling her as she quietly cries into his shoulder. It seems he was correct in his previous assumptions when these issues first came to light: someone special to Qi died at Xincheng and she blames herself for not being able to protect him. The few details from her babbling bring a bit of clarity to the situation. It was someone from Wei, someone she cared deeply about that returned the feelings, and the two were very close when they served together. Qi had a romantic relationship with someone else before running off to Shu and meeting Chao again after so many years. This former lover willingly let Qi go to let her escape the lies of her father, lies that this same man revealed to her at the risk of losing everything he had, and laid down his own life to protect her many times. This man must’ve meant several worlds to Qi as she seems more torn about his death than she was about her mother’s as she is willing to trade places with the other.

While the idea of Qi having loved someone else before him does sting Chao’s heart, he still holds the other close. This is no different than when her father executed his entire family, having blamed himself for the first few weeks after and only being pulled from his grief by Pang De before losing him to the war lord as well. His Qi is falling into the same pitfall of guilt and loss and she could only blame herself even if it was wrong to do so. He thinks back to the nights of restless sleep he had, of the nightmares that plagued him and the sorrow that fell upon him shortly after losing everything he had to Cao Cao even his dearest friend. He was only saved by Zhuge Liang, a man who saw past his anger and infinite guilt and offered him a place in a large family, one that understood his pain and sorrow and would allow him to seek recompense for the wrongs done to him. While it didn’t completely heal the wounds in his heart from losing his brothers and father, it was enough to motivate him to keep living day after day. The same couldn’t be said for Qi after losing someone so close to her but it is something he will need to work on. He is not going to let his Qi fall into that darkness alone.

**-DEPRESSION-**

It has been almost four months since the battle and Qi’s shift in her personality seemed to have taken a turn for the worst. She started out ignoring the battle, then became enraged about it, and fell into a short period of quiet guilt. Now she has fallen into a deep depression and it seemed no one could help her out of it, not even herself. She began having trouble concentrating on even simple conversation and could hardly recall details from anything that occurred the weeks before her depression. She didn’t have the energy to even roll out of bed in the morning, much less to train with her fellow Generals. Her insomnia grew more severe as only sheer exhaustion could grant her rest and she became increasingly restless as the nights grew longer. The things she once enjoyed as a younger warrior no longer seemed to bring her bright smile to her face and she had completely lost any desire to eat and drink, only able to force herself to when her husband began to worry about her health. She developed headaches and stomach cramps which worsened her poor appetite and a cloud of sorrow seemed to constantly linger around her.

At this point, everyone was worried about what the girl might do. She had already pushed most of them away, lashed out at a few soldiers and her own cousin, and overall blocked out everyone but Ma Chao and her closest friends. This unseen sadness in the once cheerful, energetic General caused many to fear that she would make an attempt on her own life. Some thought it almost improbable for someone like Qi but given her behavior the past few months, the probability was much higher than it normally would be. Their fears grew when Qi ended up going missing in the middle of the night some time after, initiating a search for the girl, her horse, and her Shiba Inu companion, Long, who went everywhere with the girl. Some of her belongings and her weapons were missing as well at the discovery of her disappearance and this only further stirred anxiety among the Shu morale. After hours of searching, word was received that she had been spotted heading to Xincheng by a few nearby villagers early the following morning when she stopped to let her horse rest but disappeared shortly after any Shu soldiers could arrive to stop her.

Fearing the worst, Liu Shan sent Ma Chao, Xiahou Ni, and Ma Dai to pursue her and stop her before she reached the castle. The three quickly acted upon the order and took off for Xincheng, arriving early the following afternoon. They were surprised by the Wei soldiers standing guard outside the castle with the Shu soldiers stationed there and were able to quickly find Qi, who was speaking with Cao Pi and Zhenji, her brother and sister-in-law, when the three approached her in the throne room of the castle.

“Shanbao!” Qi turns at the call of her style name and is quickly embraced by her husband. She timidly hugs him back, quietly murmuring his style name in response as he continues. “You had us worried to death disappearing like that.”

“I’m sorry,” Qi murmurs as she pulls away “I just…I needed some help after all this time and I couldn’t find it within Shu.”

“So you came here at the risk of having yourself killed by your brother?” Ma Dai inquires.

“Not exactly,” Cao Pi states “I heard Qi was having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of the battle here, so when she invited me and my wife here, I knew I had to act quickly. She needed some closure after what happened.”

“Closure for what exactly, cousin?” Ni asks.

Qi sadly looks away but is forced to look back by Chao, gentle golden brown eyes pleading with her. “I guess it’s time I told you guys the truth behind my behavior.” Qi takes a deep breath before she speaks. “During the battle of Xincheng, I was one of the Generals that managed to get close to the main base of Wei but something else caught my attention while I was en route with my troop…something that needed my immediate attention.”

Qi and her troop of soldiers quickly chop through the blue-clad soldiers with her young second-in-command fighting just as fiercely as she. After finishing off the cluster of Wei soldiers, Qi notices something in the distance and orders her second-in-command to continue on to the next entry point and take down any Wei soldiers they run into. She takes off in the direction of the flash of white she noticed, following it to a sparse area of the battlefield where even the houses had been completely destroyed. She takes cover behind some debris of what she assumes to be a burnt down shed of some kind and peeks out to get a better look at the two men also in the area. She recognizes both of them, one being Meng Da, a fellow Shu General, and the other being Xu Huang, a General of Wei and a very close friend of Qi from when she served in Wei. She quietly watches as the two seem to argue with one another.

“I came here to fight Shu’s forces valiantly and instead you plea to defect like a coward?” The anger in Xu Huang’s voice is very strong and prominent. She recognizes it as she recalls him having used the same tone when a drunken lower-ranked soldier in Wei groped her during the celebrations after a victorious battle against Wu. Needless to say, no one ever tried to lay a finger on her without her permission again.

“You would be a fool to turn away my offer.” Meng Da states. “Shu will surely fall to your men sooner or later. I just wish not to be on the losing end of this war.”

“To accept a man so willingly to betray his loyalty for his reputation and life would be an insult to my lord and his kingdom.” Xu Huang jumps back and holds his great axe in front of him, prepared to fight. “Let the traitor Meng Da yield quickly!”

“Suit yourself, Xu Huang.” Meng Da scoffs then rolls back as a volley of arrows fly from over a hill behind him.

Qi can only watch, frozen in place as the arrows pin her once-loyal friend to the ground, leaving him open for attack from the other General. An fiery anger ignites in her being, one more intense than the anger she once felt for her late father, and that fire fuels her enough to charge in and slaughter the man before he can draw his sword. It takes her a moment to collect herself before she hurries to Huang’s side. Most of the arrows had missed, only managing to catch his clothing or nick his arms and chest but a few did manage to bury themselves into him and the one in his chest looks particularly painful, if not fatal.

“Gongming…” She whispers, gently cupping the other’s face with her hands. Those sharp brown eyes still hold the warmth from the time before she left Wei but she could tell it was slowly fading. “I’m sorry.”

“You have no need to…be sorry, Shanbao.” Huang sighs as he reaches up to cup Qi’s cheek. “I’m just…happy to see you again after all these years...You’re still beautiful as ever.” She sadly sighs and touches the hand on her cheek then glances at the arrow sticking out of the shoulder of the same arm, noticing the blood beginning to pool beneath him. “Don’t worry about me, just return to your allies…and continue the fight.”

“I’m not leaving you to suffer like this.” Qi murmurs then carefully picks the man up, paying mind to not cause the arrows to shift too much. “I’m taking you back to your camp.” She then takes off in the direction of the Wei camp.

“No, they…they’ll strike you down if they see you.” The male grunts.

“No they won’t,” Qi states “they’ll know and they won’t stand in our way. They know better by now.” She picks up her pace when she spots the enemy camp in the distance. She is relieved to hear the order of her brother for his men to allow her to pass and is greeted by Cao Pi and his strategist, Sima Yi.

“Sister, what happened?” Pi asks as he hurries to Qi.

“Meng Da, he was attempting to turn traitor against Shu and he launched an arrow attack on Gongming.” Qi quickly explains. “Da’s dead but…” She glances at Huang then tearfully looks back at her brother.

Cao Pi calls over the healers, who quickly take the wounded General from Qi and leave her to explain what happened to her brother and Yi. Pi allows his sister to stay until they learn of Huang’s condition against the advice of Sima Yi and takes her back to his tent to rest and calls his men back, asking the forces of Shu for a ceasefire as they had one of their own in his camp for the time being. A few hours later, Qi emerges from her brother’s tent and finds him talking to one of the healers before the young woman walks back to the medical tent. Qi approaches him as he looks at something in his hands.

“Brother?” She quietly asks. “Is everything alright?”

Pi sighs heavily and turns to Qi with heaviness in his dark brown eyes she doesn’t recognize. “I’m sorry, Qi.” He murmurs. The younger warrior is confused about the words until she notices what is in his hands, a small silver necklace with a simple medallion with the words “Forever Loyal” carved into the back. She knows the necklace very well: She gave it to Xu Huang as a gift shortly after they professed their love for one another years ago. “The healers did all they could for him but he succumbed to his injuries.” He carefully hands the necklace to Qi, who can only stare at the object in her quivering hands as her brother hugs her, allowing her to quietly cry into his shoulder as the full moon slowly climbs into the sky.

“I’m sorry.”

Qi begins to softly sob and is held close by Chao, allowing her to hide her face in his neck. Chao looks up at Pi. “They were lovers, weren’t they?” Chao asks, surprising his two friends when the Cao boy nods.

“They got together a few years after he joined my father.” Cao Pi explains. “He was happy that she had found someone among his men to love loyally and even wanted to set up the arrangement for their ceremony but they wanted to wait until the war was over. He wanted so much to see her happy after watching the war drain Qi of most of her genuine joy over the years but nothing lasts forever.”

“After Qi ran off to join Shu, Huang stayed so loyal to her, refusing to take another woman until the war was over so he and Qi could reunite.” Zhenji adds. “On his deathbed, Mengde made the both of us promise to keep Huang alive until the day he and Qi could reunite, so the daughter he lost could finally be happy again.”

Chao glances at the young Cao girl in his arms and tightens his embrace as he nuzzles into her hair. “Why didn’t you say something before, Shanbao? You know I would have understood if you told me about this.”

“She thought you’d become jealous.” Zhenji elaborates. “While she was with you all this time, part of her was still deeply in love with Gongming, hoping to return to him after this war was finally won. She didn’t care by which kingdom, all she wanted was the conflict to end so she could see him again.” She approaches the two and gently rubs circles on the girl’s lower back as her sobs start up again. “She’s kept all her grief bottled up for all of this time because she feared your reaction. I guess that isn’t the case anymore.”

Chao shakes his head and allows Qi to pull away from him, wiping away her tears as she catches her breath. He then gently cups her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him with still wet eyes. “Qi, I don’t want something like this to happen again. You had us worried for all this time and we only wanted to help you. You shouldn’t be afraid of what we’ll say or how we’ll react. We’re family and nothing you tell us would make us turn our backs on you. And I love you deeply, my precious jade, and I could never be angry with you over something like this. I more feared I would lose you to whatever darkness over took you after the battle.” He gently wipes away another tear with his thumb. “No more secrets, I want you to be honest with me and the others from now on. I’m not going to let you suffer on your own again like you’ve done time and time before. Understand?” The other timidly nods.

“Then we better head home.” Ni sighs. “Liu Shan and the others are excepting us to return home with you by the end of the day tomorrow. We shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

Qi nods and sighs then turns to her brother and Zhenji, hugging both of them before silently bidding them farewell and leaving the castle with Chao, Ni, and Dai, leaving behind her sorrows and guilt as well.

**-ACCEPTANCE-**

Qi, now almost thirty-six years old, calmly rides her white stallion to an area a few minutes away from Luoyang, a burial site full of many markers for the men buried here. She climbs off her aged mount and ties him to a nearby tree then walks through the burial site. Her eyes fall upon the many markers, leaving her to wonder how many of the men resting here did she know from her past. Perhaps more than she would like to think she knows with all the brutal battles near the end of the era. Thankfully, when Shu finally took power over the countries, such suffering had ended at last. She continues walking until she reaches a simple marker and kneels before it, her eyes tearing up when she reads the name carved into the marker. She sadly smiles as she bows, giving herself a moment to compose herself before speaking.

“I know you told me all those years ago that it wasn’t my fault and I was a fool not to trust your words.” She murmurs. “It took me a long time to convince myself that it truly wasn’t my fault. I’ve not fully recovered from the news my brother told me that night all those years ago, I still cry some nights thinking about you but it’s not as bad as it was the months following your passing. I’ve grown a lot stronger since then, both physically and emotionally. Chao has helped with that a lot, he’s been with me through everything and has been as loyal as you were to me.” She lifts a hand to dry a few tears then looks back up at the marker. “But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I need to say some things I never got to say before you left us, things I was waiting to tell you the day we would wed, and I’m sorry it’s taken this long for me to gather the strength to come and tell you all of this.

“I thank you for your loyal service to my father, my brother, and me. You fought under them and never faltered, you stayed strong when strength was needed most, and you kept them alive as long as you could. You were the best thing to happen to all of us especially me. I never imagined I could continue living without you, I didn’t think I could. I thank you for all the times you stayed by my side when I was weakest, for the times you protected me in battle and the days you would patiently listen as I spilled out my feelings to you. I thank you for all the nights you spent comforting me when we lost someone in battle or when I lost one of my brothers. I thank you for being so loyal that you never took another woman for yourself or let our distance weaken your love for me. I wish more than anything that I had the chance to tell you all of this before but things happen for a reason. Now I’m happily married to my childhood friend and our family is nothing I would replace. I wish you could see our little boy now, growing up to become a strong warrior like his father. I’m sure he would have loved to meet you.”

“Mother?” Qi looks over her shoulder and sadly smiles as Chao and her son approach behind her. The young boy that will be turning ten in a few days looks so much like them. He has the midnight black hair of his mother but the golden brown eyes of his father and shares most of the features of his father. He has the same bold attitude of his father but is smart and calculating like his mother; truly a perfect but lethal combination in the right occupation. “Are you alright?”

Qi sighs as she climbs to her feet, drying her eyes with the sleeve of her dress. “I’ll be fine, Huang.” She glances at the grave marker. “I was just saying goodbye to a dear friend.”

The black-haired boy takes a closer look at the marker and notices the name on it. “Xu Huang? Is that the man you named me after, mother?” Qi nods then picks the boy up. “He must’ve been really close to you.”

“Yes, much like your father and I are now” Qi explains “but that was many years ago.”

“What was he like?” Huang asks. “Was he a strong and proud warrior like father?”

Qi glances at Chao, who softly smiles and nods, then looks back at the child in her arms. “In a way, yes, but he was a warrior unlike any other that I knew at the time.” She begins to walk away, Chao joining her as he wraps his arm around her waist. “He was a very honest and very loyal man, willing to do anything to protect his Lord and the ones he loved most.”

“Like you, mother?”

“Yes, and he was very simple in taste.” Qi continues. “He didn’t like the lavish parties or country wide fame all Generals usually had. He simply enjoyed being in the company of friends.” She glances at the medallion the boy is wearing and gently picks it up to observe it closely. “In fact, this is one of the gifts I gave him when we were very close.”

“Really?” The boy gasps and Qi nods. “Why did he give it back?” Qi glances away as tears build in her eyes again.

“Because he wanted her to have a piece of him after he was gone.” Chao states and pulls Qi tight against him as he continues. “And she gave it to you because you mean a lot to your mother, isn’t that right, dear?” Qi quietly nods.

The boy seems to understand and tightly hugs his mother around her neck. “It’s alright, mother. He isn’t completely gone. I’m sure he’s happy now that you have father and me.”

“I know he is” Qi quietly murmurs then looks towards the sky “and he wouldn’t want it any other way.”

She came to Luoyang with a great weight on her shoulders unlike anything she has carried since the final battle of the war between Shu and Jin but now she feels at peace. She has finally come to accept how fate laid out her life and was willing to follow its plan through to the end. Perhaps there are a few things she wishes to change, a few people in her life she wanted to protect and keep, but sometimes one needs to learn to accept how things are. She was perfectly happy with her loving husband and son and wouldn’t change anything about her life after that fateful battle years ago. The battle with her emotions was a fierce one but in the end, like she promised Xu Huang the day she left Wei, she survived and moved on, knowing she would see him again in the next life.

**Author's Note:**

> I did honestly cry writing the last two sections. ;w; I had to take a break after writing Depression because I couldn't even see my computer screen through the tears.
> 
> Let me know what you think.


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